13 Jun 2019

Delhi Drama Act 24: The Asshole.





I came late from work last night and today woke up late and tired, thankfully I was sane enough to do prep for lunch last evening, after the usual cleaning up and breakfast, I make my morning coffee ( it's cold in summers and hot in winters), but accidentally poured a bit too much coffee. The last time I had extra strong coffee, I had severe anxiety all day and, some random muscle twitching, against the common sense of having half of it, and putting the rest in the fridge, I drank it all, and as expected in 15 minutes the anxiety started.

I hurried up the shower and ran for a shared auto ( No cycling today because the body needs rest), I enter the metro station, stand as the first person on one of the yellow arrows to enter the metro, and within the next minute there two queues on both the yellow arrows. ( The yellow arrows are an indicator to enter the metro and the red arrows are an indicator to make space for people deboarding)

A man slightly shorter than me, looks like in his late 30s, wearing brown wayfarers, come and stands on the red arrows. Everyone in the queue stares at him.
"Excuse me, sir please line mein aa jaaiye" 
(Excuse me, sir please get in the queue)

"Tu pehle chadh jaana, main baad mein chad jaunga" 
(You board first, I'll board after you)

"Sir, baaki sab log bhi khade hai line mein, aap line mein aao, ye utarne ke liye hai" 
(Everyone else is in the queue, you also get in the queue)

"Abe, ikka dukka koi utragea" 
(barely anyone will deboard)

"Line mein fir bhi sab khade hai, aap bhi line mein aaiye" 
(Everyone is still in the queue, you please follow too)

"10 saal se jaa raha hu metro mein, zyada niyam na sikha" 
( I have been traveling in the metro for 10 years, don't teach me the rules)

"Main 15 saal se jaa raha hu" 
( I have been traveling for 15 years)

Technically that was true, we got the metro in Calcutta in the 80s, and I first used it when I was a kid.
"Umar kya hai teri?"
( How old are you?)

"500" 
( 500 years)

"Mental hai kya? Piche hi pad gaya" 
( Are you mental? )

"Tu chutiya hai kya? Sunta hi nahi?"
( Are you an asshole? )

"Helloo, ye kya language hai, chutiya kaise bola, mind your language" 
( What kind of a language are you using? mind your language)

"Tu na mujhe khilata pilata hai, na salary deta hai, suna mat zyada" He continues. 
( You don't feed me, you don't pay me, don't tell me what to do)

At this point, I lose my cool.

"Agar khilata pilata, ya salary deta to sharam ke maare metro ke aage fenk deta" 
(If I way feeding your paying you, I'd have thrown you in front of the metro)

"Fir andar jaata 10 saal ke liye" 
( The you'd be in prison for 10 years)

"Duniya se ek chutiya kam karke jata, koi gam nahi hota"
( After removing one asshole from the world, no issue at all)

He then starts arguing about how a lot of other people in front of other doors are standing the same way.

"Wo sab chutiye hai, par you are breaking my queue"
(They too are assholes, but you're the one blocking my queue)

"Main sahi jagah khada hu" 
(I am standing in the right place)

"Aapko utarna hai metro se? wrong side dekh rahe ho"

(You want to deboard the metro? You're facing the wrong direction?)


He says something I didn't listen, I just repeat the above every time over his voice.
The metro arrives, all the queues converge into one single queue, I move in front of a gate that allows me to quickly change at the next interchange, put in my headphones, and start a calming song.

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